Mann's Generation, Mann in Life
by A. Mann
Summary: Season 4. Lieutenant Mann experiences the roles of First officer, Ops, and even Medical Officer, and ends up setting in motion, the worst event ever to happen to computer users of the 20th century.


Mann's Generation, Mann in Life

**Season 4**

* * *

Captain's Log, the Enterprise is heading to rendezvous at some planet with a long name, with the patrol ship for Starbase 10, the USS Pinjashishlokauiqiuiuytol...

Pinky to Sickbay! GET A MEDICAL TEAM UP HERE!

* * *

In sickbay Picard is lying unconscious on the biobed in the middle of the three, Crusher is on his right and Mann and Riker and Data are on his left.

Worf is by the door holding Pinky in a globe tank.

Crusher: I managed to save him. It seems he choked on a freak tea leaf.

Mann: Of course… he had imported real tea leaves.

Riker: Not dead?

Crusher: No. But I want him to take it easy for a few days while I observe him. He never gets his tests done, so for all I know he could be the sickest man on the ship.

Mann: Ahem…

Crusher: Man or Mann.

Mann: Thank you.

Riker tries to get a pillow from another biobed…

Riker: Damn it! These things are stuck on… Oh well three days as Captain is better than none...BUT NOT BETTER THAN FOREVER! WAAAAAAAAAAA!

Riker falls to the floor wailing.

Crusher: Command structure places Riker in command with no one in his chair, however for a change Data will sit as if Riker weren't here and Picard were, so that means Data's in Riker's seat, and Mann takes Data's and Wesley takes Mann's.

Mann sarcastic: You did this to Picard on purpose for that Weasel, Woosley, Wesley, bet it was you who choked him.

Crusher: Erm….

Worf: I will return Pinky to his quarters…

Pinky: I hope he's gonna be ok.

Worf: Don't worry, he will be…

* * *

On the bridge later the crew are sitting as Crusher suggested.

Mann: What's funny is that whennever Riker is in charge, no one becomes replacement first officer. Now there's a replacement.

Riker: Did you add an extra N in there somewhere?

Mann: Extra 'n' actually, yes.

Riker: Lieutenant, scan the sector for the USS Pinjash.

Mann: Scanning.

The console beeps.

Mann: It's thr…

Wesley: IT'S FIVE HOURS AWAY AT CURRENT SPEED, THREE THOUSAND KILOMETERS AWAY!

Mann spins in his chair, leans over, then slaps Wesley.

Mann: He said Lieutenant you ignorant arrogant little…

Riker: Yeah, shut up Wesley. Mann's at Ops, it's because he's better than you.

Wesley: Now what should I ask about awkwardly?

Mann sarcastically: How about how not to interrupt Riker's dates regularly with some trivial issue?

Riker: Good one.

Wesley smug: Adults.

Mann: That's it! I can't take this anymore! Why didn't Nagilum, Q, the Borg, Lore, Groppler Zorn, Alienised Admiral Quinn, and all those others, kill Wesley? You know what? I'm leaving!

* * *

Riker's Lorg, Mann took out a shuttle, the Currie, and headed away somewhere, he also took Spot with him, although he doesn't know that yet…

Mann is in the shuttle sitting on the right, Spot is standing on the left console.

Mann: I hate you.

Spot: Myow.

Mann: When we get to the Starbase I'm kicking you out!

Spot: Myow.

* * *

In sickbay, Picard is sleeping in pale blue pyjamas and sleeping hat with a white bobble on the end, he is on the furthest biobed.

Picard: Oh yah…

Crusher walks in…

Picard: Aw that's wonderful…

Crusher: I don't believe it, stupid twentieth century foolish sleep talking… Now, I have to remember what Mann said…

She imagines Mann in a bubble with white background…

Mann: For the love of Worf, leave the damn twentieth century alone! Where do you think all your medical tech came from? It certainly wasn't invented by Spot… AH! SPOT!

Spot: MYOW!

Spot enters the bubble and takes Mann to the ground hacking at him.

Picard: I know you like a bit of bald…

Crusher: Actually this could be interesting…

Picard frowns

Picard: Jack! It's not what looks like! Please, Jack Crusher, how many years...

Crusher frowns…

Picard: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crusher runs over and shakes Picard until he wakes.

Picard (senile): AAAAAAAAAA! IT'S NOT A DREAM!

He slaps Crusher…

* * *

Later Mann and Riker are walking down a corridor somewhere, Mann's holding a PADD.

Mann: I hear the Captain attacked the doctor and will be in sickbay for another week.

Riker: Yah, and erm… Why are you back here and what are you doing with that PADD?

Mann: Spot used up all of the shuttles engine power replicating fresh fish and then throwing the bones at me, I had no choice but to return.

Riker: Ah…

Mann: Plus I've been neglecting my duties as chief of PADD carrying, in fact, everyone seems to forget that was the original reason for my being aboard this ship.

Riker: I hate Data being first officer, he's trying to imitate me too much…

Mann: Has he shoved a cushion down his jumper?

Riker: No…

Mann: Is he losing his hair?

Riker: He will do…

Mann: What's he doing?

Riker: Looking at Troi… I'm not sure he's telling the truth about having no emotions… And I don't believe that crap about imitating human behaviour either.

Mann: More like irritating human behaviour…

Riker: I like your wit.

Mann: Yeah, erm... this corridor looks like the same one we just went through, and I must have walked past that ensign four times already.

Riker: Data is copying my way of sitting, he's even rubbing into my ass-groove.

Mann: Right… Erm, isn't it a little early for talking like that?

Riker: What? I made a damn comfy groove in my chair with my ass, he's sitting on it and ruining it with his titanic weight.

Mann: The Captain said the same thing… Only about you, and his chair.

Riker: Did you forget?

Mann: Oh, right… Sir-man-in-a-million-captain-of-wonderful-skill-and-worshipness-captain-king-ruler-leader-Riker.

Riker: You know, I've gone right off that title I told you all to call me, it sounds too much like Data…

Riker stops and then grabs Mann's arm, so he stops.

Riker bends over.

Mann: What are you doing?

Riker: Hmm…

Mann: Sir?

Riker: Your ass… I like it.

Mann: Oh dear…

Riker: It looks like the right shape, width… yes… definitely…

Riker stands up.

Riker: You are the guy, you won't ruin my ass-groove in my all important executive officer bridge chair. You're lighter than me too, so my groove will stay intact…

Mann: Few, you're saying?

Riker: I want you as my first officer, sod Data. I'll tell him he's making the crew feel uneasy, he won't know because he has no emotions, so it'll be fine.

Mann: That ensign's walking past again…

Mann stands in front of general red-shirt ensign woman.

Mann: Where are you going?

Woman: Wish I knew.

Mann: That's three decks down, section four.

Woman: Thanks.

She walks off.

Mann: Now, how do we get off this deck?

Riker: I have no idea…

They start looking around.

* * *

In sickbay, Picard is asleep again in the dark…

Picard: NO! STAY AWAY! I'LL TELL DATA ABOUT THIS! HE'S MY PERSONAL ROBOT AND HE WILL HELP ME! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Crusher runs in.

Crusher: Captain!

Picard wakes.

Picard: AAAAAAA! IT'S NOT A DREAM!

THWACK!

* * *

On the bridge later, Mann is at Riker's chair, Riker is at Picard's, Data is at the ops console, Wesley is at the helm, the helm seat has darts in the back of it, Troi is by Riker, Worf is leaning on his tactical post.

Mann: That was a bit lengthy.

Riker: What was?

Mann: The description…

Riker: Oh… So it was.

Troi: What was?

Mann: The…

Data: Incoming message from the USS Pishash, or Pishashi... I am not doing my job properly, because I am copying human behaviour when a human is unfairly dismissed from his job.

Mann: WHO NAMED THAT SHIP?

Data: Admiral Nora Sateeeee.

Mann: Oh yeah, she's nuts… I met her once, or twice… She is really nuts, she spells 'MANN' without an M, an A, and an N. She kept calling me EN.

Riker: Mann, I have a sneaky suspicion that you're British, and maybe from Yorkshire…

Mann: No, definitely not, are you getting me confused with French or something?

Riker: Where are you from?

Mann: Rather than answering, May I get Data to remind you of…

Data: Commander, May I remind you of the Race and Discrimination clause in Starfleet Law.

Mann: Federation Law.

Data: Either is acceptable.

Mann: This is the Enterprise, we don't want acceptable, we want exceptional!

Riker: YEAH!

Wesley stands up

Wesley: LIKE ME!

Mann: NO! Damn! Out of darts. Worf, I need one of your teeth.

Riker: What did USS Senile want?

Data: They wanted to know our ETA at Starbase 10.

Mann: Never… Ever.

Riker: Why would they wanna know that?

Data: It would not be to your interest…

Mann: Really?

Mann taps at the XO console.

Mann: Would it have anything to do with you clogging up the bases cargo bays with ten million tonnes of cat-related articles including scratching posts, ancient extinct and edible animals, and claw sharpeners?

Data: It would.

Mann: It certainly will be cat PARAFIN-alia if I ever get there.

Riker: Ignore them and let's finish our mission at the stupid planet with the long name.

* * *

Mann is with Data later in a little library room (where Riker plotted Data's downfall in season two).

Mann: What is wrong with you?

Data: I wanted only the best for my cat… I am imitating human behaviour, and have developed the artificial senses of compulsion and impulse, and I want things, not replicas, real things, for Spot to hack at… Like your head for example, no replica would satisfy her, him, whatever… I also noticed Spot was a different gender when she, he returned with you.

Mann: Yep, phaser on stun at close range.

* * *

Mann's Log, I've set it as my mission to work out who it is that Data is imitating. Obviously a woman, because let's face it, men hate shopping, in all races and cultures, and Data's been shopping, and women love cats. And also women, like Data, have cut extra long slits in their upper garments.

* * *

Riker and Data are in the lift.

Riker: WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT?

Data: Would you like some chocolate first before I answer you?

* * *

Mann later is sneaking around… He spies around a corridor junction…

Mann: Data… and… he's talking to… Troi?

GAAAAAAAK!

Mann is grabbed by the neck and flung around.

Mann: Riker! It's not what it looks like! I was trying to observe Data's meetings!

Riker: You'd better not be lying Mann…

Mann: Data's running an experiment to experience the need to want things. He's copying Troi to help him do that…

Riker: WHAT! HOW DARE HE!

Riker runs around the corner and whacks Data in the face…

DUUUUUNG…

Riker: OOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

* * *

In sickbay later, Picard is sleeping and smiling.

Picard: I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky… I should be so…ANGRY AT WESLEY!

Picard still sleeping, and now frowning, stands up, and walks out.

* * *

On the bridge later, everyone is at their new stations.

Riker: I sorted that robot good. He's getting his head reprogrammed by the most annoying computer help system on the ship.

Mann: Thank goodness, I'm sick of that paperclip… 'it looks like you're showering, would you like some help?'

Riker: Never says that to me…

Mann: How 'bout 'it looks like you're tryna use the map system, would you like some help? Sorry, can't find what you're looking for, search online?'

Riker bitter: That's the one.

Picard walks in, lifts his arms, and heads for the helm.

Mann: Captain?

Picard: I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky… as to find Wesley in here…

Riker: He's got his eyes shut…

Mann: Is he trying to establish diminished responsibility for wounding Wesley by pretending to be sleep walking?

Picard: No…

Mann: Are you sure he's asleep?

Riker: Shush Mann, we've been plotting this for three years… It's the only legal way to get rid of Wesley.

Wesley gets up.

Wesley: You've come to hug me!

He runs at Picard and grabs on.

Picard wakes and looks startled.

Picard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S NOT A DREAM… good.

THWACK!

Mann: Ooo, that's gotta hurt.

Picard: Take that you little bars…

* * *

Wesley wakes up on a shuttle later…

Wesley checks the helm.

Wesley: Heading for delta quadrant? Warp three… There's a message here…

Wesley pushes a button.

Voice: I am, Locutus, of Borg, you can have him, we don't want him, hopefully he will ruin your lives as he has ours.

* * *

Later in Picard's ready room, Picard is in uniform and sitting by his desk.

Pinky: What have you got to lose?

Picard: My coupons, one more cup of a different blend and I might forfeit my 99 coupon rights to enter the Tea Museum on Risa. One more earl grey gets me in that museum on the grand tour. One more other blend gets me back to zero.

Pinky: well try a kind that isn't one of your standard deviants.

Picard: Very well.

Picard gets up and walks to the replicator.

Picard: What would be a safe blend then?

Pinky: How about a white tea…? The replicator is set permanently on earl grey, just say the extra ingredient for earl grey with some extra taste…

Picard: I see, Computer, white tea…

A cup appears.

Picard: DAMN IT! THIS IS JUST HOT WATER! LOUSY CHINESE REPLICATORS!

THWACK.

Picard: How can they call this tea?

Pinky starts laughing.

Picard: Oh, it was you… I see, very funny.

Pinky: I took earl grey off the permanent list so it would revert to…

Picard: what?

Picard frowns…

Picard: Pinky?

Picard runs to the tank to see Pinky at the top on his side, and steaming.

Picard: PINKY!

Picard shouts as loudly as he can: **PINKY!**

On deck forty two there are two ensigns pushing buttons in a small room.

Very loud Voice: **P-I-N-K-Y!**

Ensign: Must be Picard…

Mm: Mm.

* * *

In sickbay Picard is crying on Riker's shoulder by the door, Pinky is in a large bath on top of the main biobed.

Medical staff are running around bringing hyposprays and tools in and out, to Doctor Crusher and Alyssa who are operating.

Crusher: Boner!

Alyssa: What did you say?

Crusher: De-boner then, I'm not eating Pinky with bones in... PASS ME THE DE-BONER!

Picard: DON'T EAT HIM! SAVE HIM!

Alyssa: Turn the heat of the water right down!

Crusher: Ok, sashimi it is.

Picard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mann runs in with Guinan's hat and tips the contents into Pinky's bath.

Crusher: Ice cubes? I can't eat it frozen!

Mann pushes a button on the side of the bath…

Mann: Temperature dropping! DERMAL REGENERATOR!

Picard: Mann! Do you know what you're doing?

Mann: Yes sir.

Mann grabs a tool off a non-entity and shines it at Pinky…

* * *

In the observation lounge later, Picard is standing looking out of the far window.

Troi walks in.

Picard: I sense nothing…

Troi: Would you like to talk about anything…?

Picard: You mean Pinky's operations?

Troi: His what? Oh… yeah, that, of course…

Picard: Mann's been probing and prodding for hours. I'm not sure he can save Pinky…

Troi: He's a vet?

Picard: Is he?

Troi: I sense death…

Picard: NO!

Troi: OH NO! TASHA!

Picard looks at Troi: What?

Troi: Now it's gone…I can't sense her...

* * *

In sickbay later Mann is still at work, by himself.

Picard walks in…

Mann: Getting a pulse finally… Need brain activity… Got it… Need more…

An alarm beeps rapidly.

Mann: Oh no… He's losing his mind!

Picard: Brain death?

Mann: I can't quite stimulate the…

Picard collapses to the floor and puts his hands at the sides of his head.

Picard (Really loud):

**PINKY! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! FOR-GIVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

Mann: WHA?

Mann starts smacking the side of his head…

The alarm stops, Picard gets up…

Picard looks optimistic and open-mouthed…

Pinky slowly rolls back over.

Crusher runs in and looks at the screen…

Crusher: Brain activity returning to normal…

Picard: I'm not thanking you…

Crusher; No, this monitor is set for Troi, Oh wait, brain activity has gone down again…

Mann: Pinky's was still a bit crazy…

Pinky wakes up and swims around.

Picard: PINKY!

Pinky: DAYUWM! CAN'T A FISH TAKE A NAP WITHOUT BEING PROBED?

Picard: P…Pinky.

Pinky: Nah, I'm kidding, I was so close to death, I saw Heaven…

Picard: What did it look like?

Pinky: Your ready room.

Picard runs over and hugs the bath. Pinky presses a side of it.

Mann: Looks like Picard really did need a Mann aboard this ship, only Mann men know the intimacies of a fish…

Picard: Why?

Crusher: Don't tell me…

Mann: Because Jerry Goldgaff Mann worked for a guy who knew a guy that made Jaws, a twentieth century movie about a shark. He then went on to meet and watch some of the other shark and angry fish films, before letting his kids watch documentaries about tropical see life, and that knowledge has carried on through to the next generation… and the few after it until it got to me.

Picard: I love you Pinky. I was so scared when you started frying in there…

Pinky: It's because I felt guilty about always saying no so I let him configure my tanks maintenance systems…

Picard: Whom?

Mann frowning: Don't tell me…

* * *

Wesley's Log, I am still on course for the delta quadrant… the controls have been locked… I can't turn around, I might get there in two hundred years when warp three gets me somewhere across the quadrant borders…

Mann beams in holding a computer component.

Wesley: Mann?

Mann: Hold this.

Wesley takes the component off Mann.

Mann: One to transport…

Wesley drops the component and jumps on to Mann, they are both beamed out…

* * *

Chief medical Idiot's log, at least I've got Wesley back, he's great for cleaning up and knows a little about fashion so I'm ok for now, plus his music collection isn't all bad… Da da da da, dar-ar-rum… I have to go and snip my flowers.

* * *

Years later…

Borg cube flies in space and tractors the enterprise shuttle.

In a small room in the cube the shuttle sits, three modern Borg enter.

Voice of Picard: I am, Locutus, of Borg, you can have him, we don't want him, hopefully he will ruin your lives as he has ours.

Borg voice: Detecting active file… Activating holographic field.

Fizzle…

Paperclip: HI! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE QUADRANT! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HELP!

* * *

Later on the Enterprise E at the end of First Contact…

Picard is on the bridge with all the crew…

Mann is at a side station…

Picard: Make it so…

After a minute of silence…

Riker: We are now in the temporal field… emerging… Here we are… We are being hailed by several installations and starships… We came out just in the right place…Three days after the battle, hey, I'm not going to live the rest of my life from the point of the battle knowing I've missed three days out.

Mann: I hear you.

Picard: Put Admiral Starfleet on screen.

Admiral Ross appears on screen.

Picard: We have eliminated the Borg threat… however there's a lot of garbage on our ship.

Ross: Yes I was about to order our ships to fire on you… because you look assimilated on the inside, but not the outside unusually, and I was gonna fire on you because of this…

Voice: It looks like you're trying to clean up the Borg garbage, would you like some help?

Picard: DAMN IT! THEY BROUGHT IT BACK! Toss the damn thing in that temporal field before it closes!

Riker pushes buttons…

Riker: It's out! But that field kept fluctuating before it closed, I have no idea when that paper clip ended up…

* * *

The twentieth century, a small grey office, a man with a beer belly, black curly hair, big thick black glasses, and a desktop PC…

Guy: I must find some way of constructing an annoying item to fit into Microsoft Office… What's that noise? Fireworks at this time of day?

He stands up to look out of a window to his left, a glowing computer component flies through the window…

Guy: Oooh, this looks interesting…

Voice: You look like you're starting a paradox, so instead of helping, I'll just say I was created by Mann in the future while he worked for Intel… I mean intelligence.

Guy: Hmm…


End file.
